A couple of weeks have passed since the release of the Vogue article “Is Having a Boyfriend Embarrassing Now?” by Chante Joseph. For those who missed it, the main idea is that women are better off single in today’s society, especially compared to having a partner that is considered a drain. In many ways, this has proven to be a controversial take, with the flood of commentary being directed from all sides of the internet. The back and forth on whether having a boyfriend is “chic” or not and whether women are better single in general is a conversation that can be taken a million different ways. While many agree with what the article is saying in its entirety, I cannot in good conscience say that I do.

I feel that it is important to state that, yes, having a partner who is blatantly depleting joy from your life is embarrassing to an extent. I feel as though it is wrong to judge people for wanting to stay in a relationship that they clearly value because you disagree with their choice in a partner. It is a fundamental and natural human trait to desire closeness with others. To shame people for having partners, or even simply wanting a partner, plays deeply into purity culture and the idea that women are not definable with, or in this case without, a male counterpart. Alongside this is the idea that not having a partner makes someone “better” or “more worthy” than others, which is nothing more than a reflection of the idea of chastity and abstinence. While these are not incorrect values to hold, it can be potentially dangerous and overly influential to younger audiences. To place this much value in relationship status for women can potentially harm adolescent girls as they feel shame in wanting to have a partner.

The main reason I continue to solely use the word partner is because, is it really just “boyfriend”? In the article Chante states, “being with a man was an almost guilty thing to do.” Why does this only apply to men? Would it be embarrassing to have a girlfriend? Why does this idea not reflect the same way on men in relationships? While these questions may seem fairly obvious as the article outlines how men are typically the issue, I believe that it is only continuing the trend of centering women’s lives around men, and men’s lives also around men. It is a different side of the same coin where women are defined by their relationship status and criticized for how they chose to live their own lives.

However, the article attempts to conclude itself with a more positive message, with Joseph saying, “Obviously, there’s no shame in falling in love” in a feeble attempt to address the possible harsh tone of her ideas. This did little to blunt her meaning, as she continues to express how single life is more desirable and acceptable by society. This theme plays into concepts of misandry and a hatred towards men, which seems very counterintuitive as she previously addresses the concept of detachment from men and relationships. Misandristic ideals focus large amounts of energy towards hating men, almost similarly to misogyny, that could easily be redirected to any other worthy topic. In the end, she is centralizing women’s identities, sense of independence, and success around the men in their life.

All that being said, I do agree that allowing a partner of any gender to drain you of your life and happiness in the name of having a relationship is embarrassing. That cycle of never being without someone is damaging and prevents you from devoting enough time to yourself, which can not only harm development, but also relationships with others in your life. Having a boyfriend or girlfriend just to say you do, is the more noxious side of this entire debate, and is something that should be avoided at all costs.

I believe that Joseph’s point that it should be more socially acceptable to be single is beneficial, as it addresses the pressure people may feel from not having a partner at any given time. My personal thoughts on the matter solely stem from the idea of decentralizing men and allowing women to have identity and define themselves outside of their relationship status, which is exactly why it is not embarrassing to have a boyfriend.